Da Ge

Crying in laughter, living alongside death-Yu Hua’s “To Live”.RxhTQcspEJHZTMMwCxunzVInXLjLtB

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He dreamed he was still very young, about five or six years old, sitting at the head of the bed, with a warm radiator on one side and leaning against a woman on the other.sAMjYHebyEMjCwZvFlWVDaoZwdqyvQ

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The woman was heavily pregnant, so he didn’t dare lean in too closely, merely resting his tilted head lightly against her arm, creating a semblance of affection.oxENbodFxKCYHtyzRtfthtpvtEOyPC

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That woman was truly beautiful, comparable to the big stars on TV, with a fair oval face and well-defined features.HzswrmTuduzXAnWStchRIuhXejNGjL

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She held an old, tattered book in her hand, carefully reading the story it contained.hykKzucOWNctCCVMrXsEqIPoOFvXFo

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The woman wasn’t highly educated, with very limited reading ability. Even the simplest fairy tales caused her to stutter, often leading to confusing breaks in the narrative, yet she appeared enjoy herself. With one hand holding the book and the other resting on her belly, her voice was sweet and clear, her expression serene and content.DmXExZJOMMoOxnGFHeNsrnlacXodFU

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“…The children walked together to the other side of the mountain, where they found a stream joyfully flowing from east to west, babbling, ‘Foolish children, here lies fragrant pastries, glistening roast chickens, countless candies, hanging in vibrant arrays on the trees like stars in the sky, inexhaustible. Here also lurk man-eating monsters, waiting to fatten you up into plump little lambs before gobbling you up in one bite.'”FuKZhcLOWiOmoxHyrfEnoLsIhDYGai

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“At first, the children were petrified, not daring to step forward. They lived on this side of the stream, subsisting on wild mushrooms and strawberries, bland and sour. Until one day, the eldest boy said to himself, ‘I can’t take it anymore. How wonderful it would be to feast on the pastries and roast chicken across the stream, not to mention the endless candies.'”pKnSoGemFytGMGOYjRhKcYuuZMbWKP

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“He was the first to leap across the stream, indulging in a feast in the beautiful woods, then returned by nightfall to reassure everyone that there were no man-eating monsters. The next day, the eldest girl also thought, ‘How wonderful it would be to feast on the pastries and roast chicken across the stream, not to mention the endless candies.’ She followed the first boy across the stream, enjoyed a feast in the beautiful woods, and both returned by night claiming they encountered no man-eating monsters.”EzsHwLSryKtNoZhBAKMaNTTctxHdSa

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“One by one, the boys and girls crossed the stream to partake in the feast on the other side. A day passed, no monsters appeared; a month went by, still no sign of the monsters. They laughed at the rushing stream, settling on its banks, freely roaming the beautiful woods, indulging in exquisite food and endless candies. Only the youngest boy stayed behind, no matter how his increasingly plump companions shouted from across the stream, he steadfastly refused to come closer.”uxOLmSIKZhPkXYafzhooumgsojZfiO

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“Every day, the children who crossed the stream would shout to their friend, ‘Hey, come on over, the stream is lying, there are no man-eating monsters here, life is like heaven!’ But the youngest boy remained unmoved, surviving on mushrooms and wild strawberries. He remembered his grandmother’s warning before he left home: there’s no such thing as a free lunch, unexplained ease is the most dangerous trap in the jungle.”xoiegTNiuJVEZMPYZfTxSVPfRdaHDl

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“Suddenly, one night, the youngest boy was awakened by a sharp roar. Opening his eyes, he saw the stream swollen, splitting the earth in two, turning into a vast ocean.”aVQSAfQVkYfrIONOtQUsRVDjHRlFhJ

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“The ocean sang, ‘Little lambs, plump and round, gulp you down in one bite, not one shall escape!’ The youngest boy rubbed his eyes, seeing his companions being chased by a monster as big as a mountain. But they were too fat to run fast, and before they could reach the water’s edge, they were caught and devoured one by one. They all fell into the most perilous trap, only the youngest boy survived to pass down this tale.”TuqwTPOvzZapkYXWDNupdeGcLDiHdZ

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The yellowed pages were turned, the story with neither head nor tail concluded, and the woman, as if she had finished a grand project, sighed, casually saying to Wei Qian, who was leaning against her, “That’s why, living too comfortably isn’t good. When you’re fat and happy, eating your fill and idling away your days, you’re not far from kicking the bucket…”ApsidlAtVsphKxtyFkrhwJHhiLbICJ

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(Kipzi – Okay so MTL says she actually said burping/hiccups and catching a cold and I tried to figure out what it meant and then I realized she’s probably just saying do everything in moderation or else.mCXglvUMGeRWuvNXLYjLJDkOdPbDut

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：”所以说，人不能过得太舒服，等你脑满肠肥、每天都吃饱混天黑的时候，就离嗝屁着凉不远啦……”)OvQukvnQMDUiffZLgAetpJjDEHrqFV

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Her pleasant yet crude words were interrupted by the shrill ring of a bell, startling Wei Qian into suddenly opening his eyes and springing up from the bed.raKFxoHmhnRYOmnrHzGPiQEMoHKCGt

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It was five-thirty in the morning, and the sky was not fully bright yet.sXyxcoIcPziqCXhGxmvdRDCdHQICui

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Wei Qian was still somewhat immersed in the dream, which was both beautiful and nightmarish.kpxrQPjACRkKBoaWUcYidjmQOGsRxq

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Bearing the low pressure of sleep deprivation like a dead dog, he struggled to get up, grabbed his slippers, squashed a cockroach that had been strutting around his bedside, then hopped on one leg to the water pipe to rinse off the sole, making “pitter-patter” sounds as he washed his hands and rinsed the rice, putting porridge on to cook in a deformed pot.UCUSgVjAjgqnGJLOktKrHtMlIcmgSV

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Then, he stuck his head out the window and saw that the breakfast stall of the guy with acne scars downstairs was already set up, heating the oil pan.fEHaULjPSvEzRNVYtlATPMuMqHkFCn

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Wei Qian blew a long whistle downstairs, not minding waking the neighbors, and shouted, “Scarface, get me three fried dough sticks!”DudNIstvljhAhatLJsxvYWYXGFvHWw

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Just after he yelled, a window above him creaked open, and a chubby man with a toothbrush in his mouth mumbled, “Bro, make it six for me, pick the thick and big ones!”czbMmNfsCgIPgyCkUWdJaLfGsVvSpd

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The one shouting from upstairs was San Pang, who had ballooned into a spherical shape yet still took pride in being a glutton, a trait he regarded with almost a transcendental philosophy.uAXBDixdWRZNAodLDCNnKpNGYOTCFf

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Wei Qian felt that compared to six, three fried dough sticks seemed hardly heroic, so he looked up at San Pang and said, “Pig, eager to be slaughtered, aren’t we? Quite the enlightened thinker!”YlLCwwvkYagWuBicIAMbDcjSivlAaT

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San Pang, mouth foaming with toothpaste, couldn’t bother to respond and, amidst his busy morning routine, managed to extend a chubby hand and flip Wei Qian the bird.fxzXkYrYBrOygiSGwIVTmOxVuUJxSF

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Scarface had lost his father early and lived with his widowed mother, who made her living selling breakfast. Scarface had to get up early every morning to help his mom fry dough sticks, so hearing his friends squabbling like dogs first thing in the morning was nothing new to him.dHYYzvbLyrtrZwtIZJRMgkSiuuUYYz

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He wiped his hands on his apron, said nothing, but smiled and waved at the two “gentlemen” upstairs to show he heard them-oh, Scarface had a stutter, so he usually kept quiet in public.fcHIllrBpALSOmrMIxittglIBaksZI

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With breakfast sorted, Wei Qian battled his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face, starting another busy and tough day.uaicbsfCafypyqiUQLnbHJUAMLgXQF

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He let the cooked porridge cool down while he got himself ready, then with some change in his pocket, he dashed downstairs to grab the fried dough sticks, and came back to wake up his little sister, Xiao Bao. He made sure she finished her breakfast, then carried her upstairs to leave her with San Pang’s mom, swatting away Xiao Bao’s hand as she tried to sneak more food into her mouth before he left.woLIWpTlruNBwUvitBdwtSpDGCftdg

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Then, Wei Qian pedaled his worn-out bicycle towards school.gPMPRmVgxFkAbJoSWnmhXRvsPDMMEk

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This day was the day Wei Qian was to take his middle school entrance exams.oZYdnZvaXzxuPFOTrQGQcQUIZRHkya

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Wei Qian never knew who his father was, nor what he looked like. His only concept of the man came from his mother’s incessant daily ranting over ten years, painting him as a despicable scumbag-a loser through and through.SzdzYBsiIgAKuavGfKNLAwPOwFqIbh

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Rumor had it that this shameless man was still locked up, carrying the so-called “glorious” title of a rapist, with no telling when he might be released-if ever. Of course, Wei Qian didn’t look forward to his release. An ex-convict who was worthless, he’d just be a burden to society once out.JdywqOHfVZVSRKPMQhFrzwuePQmomD

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Wei Qian thought it would be best if that old scum got beaten to death in prison before his sentence was up.tdYrBapundrByJVNGcaHKPMnwajZUh

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One of the victims created by that old convict was Wei Qian’s mother… oh, and Wei Qian himself, an indirect victim.gNRwCvhgoMMMgAVIgEsOdZfyUlJIoU

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When his mother was young, her mind was a muddled mess. She didn’t take her life seriously, hanging out with petty thugs every day, wandering the streets drunk in the dead of night, and unfortunately caught the eye of that old convict, becoming a confused victim. Later, even more bewilderingly, she ended up pregnant and gave birth to Wei Qian.KGgDJouRQiZEkkhHxYFBDhRJdqlxHn

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So, logically, Wei Qian understood why his mother had never been fond of him from the start. He felt that her not strangling him at birth was already the work of hormones… hormones were the true miracles of human life.YtEcTPnDwqaTYuqmCBgFnTQqefUpTv

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Not to mention, she still managed to raise him, albeit grudgingly.DslhwGxwyZCKvXeeJalLhtylMHLkwC

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Despite this, Wei Qian still harbored deep hatred for her.yxXgyQDqJbpsOPAgBualmxObUUWPEB

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He hated her daily, like clockwork, wishing he could devour her flesh and drink her blood.CVcdvYybDhaXxwHrxISONjOffjWQrM

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Yet… deep down, he yearned for a bit of warmth from her. On the rare occasions she provided it, Wei Qian would feel immense happiness, which made him hate himself even more. He believed he had bad genes, inherently possessing a despicable streak.wcLYiWDketwnrWEHfHgHIMfSoXXqRY

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The woman lived a nocturnal life, relying on a job that was ancient and traditional, with thousands of years of shadowy history in our country. This was a job that brought Wei Qian countless “honors”-his mother was a prostitute, and in her own unabashed words, the advantage of her job was getting to use men for free while still getting paid by them.aIORNdPmuonBVshcmjIIpNTFFDHLVb

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Wei Qian’s rapist father had ended her entire adolescence, turning her thoroughly dark inside and out, making her even more shameless.BgsEpcSlFrSGsmYXZFbjqOGyGKulni

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As a “chick,” Wei Qian’s childhood was a prolonged torment.ElzmMHaPZbgapzUGJCdJTIKcSmGpED

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Every night, his mother would curse and swear as she left the house, not returning until the next morning. She would wake him from his sleep with her long nails, and if she was in a good mood, she would scold him with a litany of insults involving his dead ancestors. If she was in a bad mood, she might slap him twice for good measure, then, reeking of alcohol, order the tiny Wei Qian, not yet as tall as the kitchen counter, to make her something to eat.fOlgAaJAKBcnvSvvBSfruYCulheWPT

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There were several times when Wei Qian had bought rat poison, planning to mix it into her food and end it all for both of them, but he never went through with it. On the rare occasions when she attempted to act like a mother, she would wrap him in her soft arms to watch TV for a while, and when happy, she would whisper a few words in his ear.boRUXQZggpwUFJTATWdYcMaYsaoCHW

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If she had a lucrative night, she might even buy Wei Qian a couple of pancake rolls on her way home in the morning.IiJoundNKjOmoVAyMUqkPmJaOHLrer

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Although these moments were precious and rare, they always overwhelmed young Wei Qian with unexpected affection. At such times, he no longer wanted to kill this woman because he would remember that she was his biological mother.IwbrVLfmbWuhvEqepNATQcJvqQXQYY

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His mother was more beautiful than any woman he had ever seen in his life, yet she brought him no pride.hEVrZsDuxDLtLhndNAhRSgOpMOdzUU

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But after all, there was only one person in the world who was his mother. If he killed her, she’d be gone, and he couldn’t bear that.NQqNeWKnppBdDPVliqFsJDdNGWLuXn

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Thus, they lived on, despising yet depending on each other.PFyLRRPhzqSlxMgTsuHyqwLbRyKKZI

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When Wei Qian was five, his mother remarried. His stepfather was an honest man, not much of an earner or particularly talented, and he wasn’t very warm to his stepson, but he never mistreated him either.FMhBwDZuidSwdOZSHbbumpOTRrrzhm

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Later on, probably finding him an eyesore around the house, his stepfather took the initiative to enroll him in elementary school right when Wei Qian turned six, personally taking him to school to register on his large 28-inch bicycle.okbcJnoZpsednmqyEVdviegMXpzNPb

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Wei Qian called him “Uncle.”PFucKEGUfBgCGTCAIKJNGYgVffqCSW

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After Uncle arrived, his mother underwent a transformation overnight, like she had “put down the butcher’s knife and become a Buddha.” She stopped messing around outside, almost instantly shedding her worldly facade, tying up her long hair, never touching a drop of alcohol again, and her temper improved significantly.ooOvlRJNTZsKxJctdmqcnRPWdwbLQG

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She transformed into a normal woman and a normal mother.KAZFgpILWekROCHpGfBCKNHaGiRydI

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That winter, she even went as far as to knit a sweater for Wei Qian. He only wore it for one winter because he grew too tall to fit into it the next year, but he cherished it and kept it in his closet, as it was almost the only gift he had received in his childhood.uuJNKgfUZqHxUbKqavciCLFAAKNFRJ

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People say that kids around six or seven are so unruly that even dogs would despise them, but Wei Qian was as obedient as a dog at that age. He didn’t talk back, didn’t make any demands. If the adults didn’t offer, he wouldn’t ask them for money. Whenever there was a need to contribute money at school, Wei Qian would borrow from others first, then earn a few bucks by running errands in pool halls and game arcades to pay them back.jwaYzArwKsTgfyHzpFvTLGXDxVRuDj

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During this time, he got to know many older delinquents. The bosses found it amusing to see him scurrying around, fetching balls, and carrying plates due to his young age. Plus, he had a knack for reading people’s expressions, so they kept him around as a sort of novelty mascot for their amusement.kAJbMhBhDZMCHcIqccuWwczTGLUChf

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Wei Qian enjoyed this and didn’t find it hard, knowing from school that he was also one of the nation’s flowers, a future pillar. He was content with this life.uMtyPXQvxwZfLAUZTkkGgCBPkjKWvT

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Therefore, he was always worried that his Uncle might be unhappy, fearing that a divorce between Uncle and his mother would send him back to a life worse than that of pigs and dogs.AnqTwBnmliwviPYviVjwnqKZxiEcdE

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When Wei Qian was seven and a half, not yet eight, his mother gave birth to a girl.tUsyEBSXsiRqyQnZgLfpuTDZMtHnGm

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The girl looked just like Uncle, which is to say, not very attractive, but the family adored her immensely.jRNNzjkvwgUCmojQdBJIZyXaXFwNQx

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She was born in spring, and her parents found names like “Spring” or “Willow” too common and unfit for their precious daughter. Considering both her mother and Uncle had less than nine years of education combined, they spent over a week brainstorming, finally conjuring up what they thought was a poetic name for her, “Song Lilí.”gdtRmIvfsMJCHClOpowSLywpbKRxPQ

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Taking her Uncle’s surname Song, her name came from “Lílí on the original grasslands” from the poem, with her nickname being Xiaobao.ePqsfucBKVVhfolUeVKEidrZFquOJN

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However, Wei Qian hardly ever called his sister by this unfortunate formal name, sticking with “Xiaobao” all the way into her adulthood.xiLjNFvgxbEUwzyYRrxIVmdKcTPCVn

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Instead of choosing a name that signifies gathering, they went for “Lí,” which implies separation. It’s unheard of for anyone to give their child such a name, aiming for it to be as auspicious as possible.svmlyvaIbbnfcNzikKXtJTleornyLV

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His illiterate mother and stepfather were so preoccupied with the “moisture” of the name that they gave their child such a name, purely out of a sense of perverse amusement.EzMgBjreNKfRTpKknUlEzPNCvnFqMW

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This inauspicious name, accompanying the girl for life, seemed to foreshadow that separations and farewells would thread through her fragile existence from beginning to end.gbTXCvgzhPuVOhSzBBRebNcHugDGEk

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